Utter indifference

Whenever I got a prize back in school or I scored good marks, when I landed a good job or whenever I got a word of appreciation, I would be beaming with pride. At home I was taught to be extremely humble. So I try not to take the credit. This is an imbibed value which is sometimes interpreted by some people as forced modesty.

But it is when I feel ridiculously ashamed of myself that my emotions are high. There is a helplessness and indifference within me. And I abhor that.

The other day I was walking fast to get to the bus after a tiring day of work. I was crossing the road when I saw quite a well dressed man lying on the road, making violent spasmic convulsive gestures. Either he was hit and run over or it was an attack of fits.

People started crowding round him. I saw him and had this urge to help. But instead I kept walking ahead with my head turned back to see what was happening to him. Soon I got on to the bus and left. I kept looking back till the buildings hid my view. Till that time no one had taken any effort to help the man. There were policemen nearby. They might have taken charge of the situation after I left.

I am not bothered as to why people didn’t help him. After all, everyone’s sense of moral values and responsibilities are different.

I am ashamed and lost my self respect because I didn’t do anything to help that man. A human life had more no value than a couple of gasps and sympathetic looks. God forbid, but if he hasn’t survived, I am guilty of my indifference.

I guess we all have our set of limitations and there is only so much that we can do for others. The root cause of these limitations is the rampant evilness we see all around us. I and Akhi used to talk about how there are still helpful people around, but we have seen so much badness in the world, we have seen so many people with hidden ulterior motives, that we eye with suspicion anyone who tries to help us or be good to us.

I completely understand when the people closest to me console me saying that I should stop worrying about everything around me and that I have certain limitations since I am a woman. I know I would not have lifted him into a cab nor done all the running around in the hospital. But that doesn’t justify me being unconcerned. The whole day I was upset thinking about that. But being upset or feeling guilty doesn’t vindicate me of my indifference.

The bottom line is, whatever philosophy I borrow to confuse you and myself, I didn’t take the time nor made an effort to help a poor soul. But I have the time to blog, worry about my future and can be the first one to protest if my salary is to be dropped by even a rupee.

So I have all the time and energy that I need. It is just that the values that I had inculcated are getting lost as I move up in my life, busy adding to my so called achievements.