24 things that make me... Me!

1. I love the smell of freshly powdered babies..

2. I’d love to be a pilot..

3. I love the feeling of defying gravity, paragliding, bungee jumping :o)

4. I think simplicity simply rocks!

5. I love the war of words..I love wit, humour and confidence to convince or confuse!

6. I like chivalry in men..

7. I love to wear white & black..

8. I believe that if I want something from the bottom of my heart, destiny will take care of the rest..

9. I love the smell of wet earth, petrol, burning leaves, dew drops on buds..

10. I’m sometimes straight-forward to the point of being blunt..

11. I love my name!

12. I’m paranoid of rats and cockroaches and tiny worms that crawl or fly!

13. I’m scared of loneliness but love being alone sometimes!

14. God gave me obstacles at every step, but remembered to give me a pillar of strength-my ma.

15. I day-dream most the time..

16. I’m a self-confessed narcissist at times..

17. I don’t believe in love at first sight. I believe in luv with frenship as its foundation.

18. I love walking along the beach under the moon-lit sky..

19. I want to scream from the tallest tower..

20. I want to live in a small sea-facing farm house with a huge sprawling garden, so that I can feel the breeze in my hair at all times!

21. I love pets! I love pets! I love pets!

22. I give only meaningful gifts or none at all!

23. I absolutely love theatre and I worship art movies..

24. I will write my autobiography titled ‘Steaming Cups of Coffee’ someday..

Eternal Questions on a Sleepless Night

Choices have daunted men for quite a long time. Even Hamlet had to choose "To be or not to be" and Frost had to choose between the two roads that diverged in a wood. I have always wondered if life would be simpler if each person brought into this world was born with a to-do list, kind of like instructing the person which path to take in life.

--You will be too advanced for kinder garden, jump to primary.
--Pick maths with biology, study computers on the side.
--You have to write GRE / GMAT.
--Marry the second guy/girl you see, have kids after 3 years, run around kids, be chased by wife/husband for the rest of your life.

Parents do take care of most of these things these days. I mean with the pressure that the kid is put through to take medicine or engineering is insane, but then they successfully manage to eliminate the bothersome job of choosing what to study.

Even with marriage and kids, I've honestly seen parents discussing and eliminating scores of girls and boys amongst themselves while the prospective victim to be is sleeping thousands of miles away. They even instruct the bride to have kids soon and then take a job, so the grandparents can take care of the kid. I mean, could life get any simpler???

I guess I am an anomaly amongst the many hundreds who take this path. I fought back for the first time in my life to take up child psychology during graduation, when it seemed as if becoming a doctor or an engineer was the fashion of the era. It’s a different story that I was finally forced to take up engineering!!! Then I went one step further and announced that I wished to do an MBA and that too in India, when the entire family was busy sending their kids abroad for MS, PHD and what not. OH MY GOODNESS… the reactions from the relatives were a little too melodramatic… I virtually ceased to exist for a few weeks. People thought I was in there just to rebel. I would talk and whatever came out of my mouth, disappeared into a vacuum. There were quite a few incidents between then and now, which made me feel as if I was doing a huge crime.

But then I just realized something, I was not making a mistake; I was just following my dream. We have a seemingly limitless number of choices before us, but shaped by our background and community we often make a choice, to please people and assume that that is what we want to, only to end up miserable in our forties and blaming our parents for our childhood.

My mother is an amazing woman who supported me, even when she disagreed with my choices, and I have made quite a few absurd ones. I am sometimes scared of making choices for the simple reason that I do not know where I would end up and if I would regret the choice I made. I wonder if I should have just studied child psychology and wonder where I would be now if I had done so. But then I stop and breathe. Past cannot be undone. I love the life I am living now, I am making choices which are often considered wierd, but there is this whole unknown in front of me, that makes it exciting, I am raring to go and unearth my life.

I know for sure that I am not going to be in front of a circuit board or over an operating table all my life. I am also excited to be an anomaly. It is the anomalies who make history. You never hear about a person who studied biology, went to study medicine and become a doctor. You hear about the person who studied medicine and became an archaeologist instead. That is fun. It makes for an interesting, intelligent person, with a focused yet diversified mind. I just have to keep in mind that whatever choice I make I should not look back and regret. I have to make history and make my autobiography more interesting.

My autobiography???? There is still time for that… the plot is after all becoming more and more interesting day by day…

The name of my autobiography???... “ Steaming Cups of Coffee”… :o)

Can I???

Can I be a poem?? Can I feel like one? One that sounds beautiful? Can I write one??
Can I just bask in the sun on a cold yet warm day, waiting for winters onset and just be happy?
Can I just read all I want to read?
Can I just be the music I love to hear?
Can I make a movie that I would love?
Can I just jump out of my skin and watch me live for a day and still not be me?
Can I just be known as me?
Can I not ever be associated with just one state of mind or being?
Can I ask for more with life?
Do I want an encore with my past?
Can I ask time to go a little slow on me?
Cant I just dream and not fear about it?
Can I dream of abolishing distance?
Can I just smile and not have a reason for it?
Can I learn every language that is beautiful?
Can I just be simple and uncomplicated?
Can I avoid the pretentiousness around me?
Can I welcome a Monday as much as I relish a Saturday?
Can I use the word freedom and still feel it?
Can I just find a fireplace to warm my slippers? And some hot chocolate and french fries!
Can I never ever worry about money? I often dream of a currency less world...
Can I dance?
Can I just feel the goodness around me?
Can I feel protected by my beliefs?
Can I just hang on to a few precious moments for just a while longer?
Can I have an opinion?
Can I just be me?

The Measure of Success

How do you measure Success?

Do you look at people who are considered successful and see how you measure up against them?

Or do you set your own standards and see how you measure up against yourself?

Or do you let someone else decide for you? Let some stranger tell you if you are successful, or will be successful...ever!!!

“Don't ever let someone tell you, you can't do something. You got a dream, you gotta protect it. People can't do something themselves, so they wanna tell you that you can't do it. You want something? Go get it. Period."…. From: The Pursuit of Happiness

I Wish...

In the past few days since I have returned to the campus, I have found myself thinking almost several times in a day, I wish....

As a child my ma taught me to be sincere. She laid endless stress on being truthful. I wish she had laid a little less stress on that. I wish someone had told me that it was okie to lie a bit. I wish someone had taught me to lie straight faced...

I was taught to be straight forward. I was taught to be ethical. I wish I hadn’t taken her so seriously. I think that I am a bit too ethical and straightforward for my own good. I wish someone had taught me to be diplomatic; coz the world is full of diplomats...

At home, there was always the stress on what others thought about us. I wish I didn’t take others as seriously as I do. I’m learning...

I wish my education had included child psychology as a major. I wish I could take up pilot training...

I wish I didn’t wear my emotions on my face as often as I do. I wish my eyes could wear a mask and not give out my feelings like they often do...

I am jinxed. So jinxed that whenever I plan something, it never works. I wish I could endlessly plan and not be worried about whether my plans will work or not. I only wish I could realize the joy of seeing my dreams in real...

I wish I could dance better. I really do. I wish I could sing in tune...

I wish I could stare at the sun. I wish I could count the stars...

I wish I could walk in a straight line...

I really really wish I could be as expressive vocally as I am when I write...

I wish I didn’t feel so bad when I realize life is moving at a pace faster than I am. I wish my heart doesn’t break when a dream breaks...

I wish I could just close my eyes tight and pray enough for my wishes to be granted...

I just wish.......

Ma

This is something I have wanted to do for a long time, but have not had the courage to do so until today. Because it takes courage to admit one's weaknesses and failings. Today… I have gathered up enough courage to tell you I'm sorry.

Sorry -for all the occasions I have been disrespectful to you or crossed the line. Some of it might have been in immaturity, some of it an indirect lashing out at my circumstances, or some of it just in the process of asserting myself while growing up. Whatever the reason, I owe you an apology for those innumerable times that you have endured it and forgiven me.I know that you and I have not always agreed on everything, and I'm aware of the distinct possibility that such situations are bound to arise in the future too. Whatever be the topic we disagree on, or however much I stick to my point (which I will, being the stubborn daughter you know so well), I want you to know that I respect you and love you. For you ma, are the sole reason I am the person I am today. If someone compliments me and says I am a nice person, that credit goes in no small measure to you.

There are so many things I have learnt from you. I have learnt that dignity and respect are some of the most important things in life. It is from you that I have learnt how important “swabhimaan” is. I have learnt that honesty is always valued, and that I owe it to myself, if not to others, to be truthful. You have always been a sort of super woman to me, handling both family and work with such finesse. If I turn out to be half the woman you are, that would be an achievement for me.

Today, I will say all the things I have probably never said, or atleast not said enough.

I am Sorry - for every time I have disappointed you, knowingly or unknowingly.

I thank You - for the unconditional love and support you have given me, even in those times when you did not understand my decisions.

I Love you - for making me the person I am, for teaching me that the truly important things in life are love, family and commitment to the things you do.

I would like to tell you all these things myself, in person, but perhaps I am not that brave yet. It is scary to feel deep emotions inside you and to express them. Maybe I will pretend it's not a big deal if you ever happen to read this blog and mention it to me. Because if I do acknowledge it, I am afraid I might cry. You see, I'm not always as brave as I pretend to be. I'm still just your little girl who wants you to be with her forever.

Love you always,Nee chitti talli

A Rainy Afternoon in Kolkata

There is something about the rain that casts a magical spell on me. I think there is something profoundly romantic about the grey overcast sky through which the sun is trying to break through, creating a strange kind of light that plays on the grass, the trees, everything around.....the showers that drench the leaves on the trees and magically turn everything a bright green....the sound of the wind through the trees, the rain splashing on the door, the cabin windows, the pitter patter on the roof.....the wet grass…the smell of the earth, fresh and clean.....it's nature's way of washing and making everything fresh and whole again.

It has rained intermittently almost the entire morning and I know for a fact it is going to make the evening rush hour traffic even worse. The rain always slows things up on the route towards our hostel. And people returning home from work might be cross and irritable, poked by umbrellas, sloshed in puddles, hungry and late. But I have the privilege of sitting in the office cabin this afternoon and not have to worry about getting home in the traffic or the rain and therefore can indulge myself a little to admire the rain for what it is doing to the greenery that stares at me through the window. The sky is still overcast, the shower has ceased for a bit, there are birds on the trees that are shaking the water out of their wings and trying to get dry and everything looks so green and beautiful.

Sarthak… that’s the third person working with us on the MIS project…he has been playing Rabindra sangeets and I find myself humming the tune of one. I have a whole lot of work to do, yet, there is something in the air that makes me want to sing or paint, walk on the wet grass, or simply sit near the window and take time to actually see how wonderful things are.

I miss the college campus…it’s a beauty when it rains…

Dawn...

There are days you wish never dawned... There are some days which you wish you shouldn’t have seen the light of the day, some days where you feel that you didn’t deserve the world and the world didn’t deserve you... And there are days that you wish never end... and then again there are those 'mixed' days - days which start just right and you think 'Great! Now, THIS is how the perfect day should be...' and then things start going a little hay-wire as the day wears on... little pressures here and a bunch of smiles there... some disappointments, some trials, some successes... a cancelled lecture, a witty remark, a confidante heart-to-heart talk, a sudden grin... the day vanishes into the dusky evening and the silent night creeps in...

A brand new day throws open a whole skylight of new dimensions and a whole new way of looking at the world… it gives you another chance of living each moment as if it were your last... of giving yourself a fighting chance to that elusive dream... that deepest, dearest wish in your heart... it's life's way of telling you to throw your inhibitions, your tribulations, your problems behind you and just... LIVE!!!!

I really feel that being able to brand a day as it comes and while it goes is a luxury affordable for a few elusive blessed ones. Cause the past few years of my life that have gone by, have left me simply wondering - How does a single day in a lifetime (supposed to last for an average of 22,630 days) really matter? I see days go by in a matter of minutes literally. There are just not enough moments to make me feel - lets call it a day. It keeps you running, but somehow always manages to run away from you. And during the pockets of breaks that it very reluctantly lends you, one simply keeps cribbing about how much of the time just flew by and you just could not live it to the fullest!But what I now realize is more important is that in these pockets of free times that come by, it is more important to prepare for the next leg of the race, rather than wondering what really happened all the while you were busy running....

Yeah, I guess there ARE some days you wish that just didn't dawn but then as Castaway says it all : There will be a daybreak after the darkest nights... It doesn't matter whether you are a LION or a GAZELLE...When the sun comes up, you better be READY!!!

Expectations...

Expectations play a huge part in our life. Many times we do something coz it is expected of us, or do something for someone coz we expect something in return. Or maybe it is the bonds between us that lead to the expectation, like expecting our parents to forgive our faults or expecting a loved one to react in a certain way. And when they do not react in the expected manner, we are upset. Why?

It could be that they are refusing to accept the unwritten rule of "i do something for you, then you do something for me, and we're square". Maybe they do not have the sensitivity to appreciate what a fine rule that is , and how it balances the world. It could be that they simply are not aware of our expectations. How many times have we heard "If I'd known you felt that way, I would have/wouldn't have done that". In that case, (assuming their truthfullness), we have the responsibility to convey our emotions to them. For it is too much to assume that all of us are mind readers and intuitively understand each other. It could also be that they're tired of living upto our expectations. For expectations are a heavy burden to carry.

I was told yesterday by a friend that I did not do the expected thing. It was a trivial phone call, which I had planned to do. But sometimes the one-sidedness of expectations is disappointing. Maybe I should have explained why my fingers almost reached the dial and went back. But this is a friendship which goes back a whole year. A lot of giving, and sharing has taken place. My desire to be honest is stopped only by my desire not to hurt the friendship. Maybe I should stop expecting and not let my actions be dictated by my expectations. Maybe I should just give instead of expecting something in return. But is it such a bad thing to give love and expect it back? I'm not asking for a phone call in return. But surely an email or an SMS would do. Anthing to let me know I'm loved. And u bet I will reciprocate. Coz there's nothing I like better than sharing the love.

I concluded that "Expectations are the root cause of all misery". Keep no expectations from anyone and you will never feel let down. Well... life goes on..

Happy B’day to me!!!

My birthday is around the corner. In fact my birthday is tomorrow.
Every now and then I am faced with people before whom, i don’t want to make a din about my birthday!

There’s a mothers day, there’s a fathers day, and the nation has a holiday on Gandhiji's birthday. So what happens on my birthday? Nothing. Worse I have to keep mum about it, so as to keep away pesky characters!!! Phew… life, I must tell you…

This is one day which has me written all over it. Even if I have to share this day with lots of people across the world, have people who I don’t like, born on days ahead of and after mine, I would like to be wished by my friends and family. I want to be happy about the fact that I have managed to live 22 years on this earth and survive inspite of the innumerable obstacles. I want to celebrate just being myself.

Every birthday to me is like a milestone... milestone of me living my life… milestones that I have crossed with the help of my family and friends. It’s the end of one chapter and start of a new one in the book that I have chosen to write-MY LIFE. It’s a stop and check and go for me to renew myself every once in a while.

I cherish every phone call I get. I cherish every gift that I receive. I value the people who stay up till 12 just to wish me. I am happy when friends fret over the fact they will not get through to me at 12 as they are somehow sure that my phone would be busy.It makes me that much happy to know that in this world there are a few souls who love me for what I am.
So here’s to myself...Happy Birthday!!!!!

Psst…Psst: Guess what? The whole nation is celebrating my b’day tomorrow.. Don’t rack your brains… its just bcoz tomorrow is Mother’s Day..
Happy Mother’s Day ma… mmuuaaaahhh :-*

Pehla Kadam... My first step

If the ethereal world of blogging was to be compared to some place on earth, it would probably be Mumbai or Frankfurt or some other big city where there are umpteen feet, big & small ones, funny looking ones, teeny tiny ones…. And today I land in this mess of feet. There is constant activity all around and I am standing on the tangents. I gingerly put my feet in…whoosh…!! The feeling is amazing. It seems like a new start - can almost smell the freshness of a brand new blog; the virgin background, the dark ink, and the thoughts flowing freely without any barriers...

Hmmm... so what should I write about? Should I describe my pillar of strength and sense of identity – my mom? Or should I talk about the unconditional support and encouragement that my friends provide me time and again? Or perhaps I should pen down the chronicles coming straight from the hallowed portals of my college and the various educational institutes which have given me and still continue to give me so much, not only in terms of academics; but in terms of memories which I’ll always carry with me wherever I go.

But I guess, a topic that has always remained closest to my heart is friendships!... After having so many friends, and few of them so close all my life, I have asked myself a million times how the hell am I going to maintain my commitment to their friendships after I marry and if I can't, then is there any sense in investing so much of my feelings, emotions, time and energy in nurturing these very relationships which I may have to uproot in a few years. And every time I've asked this, something in me tells me just one thing - enjoy this moment - this moment is your life! It really doesn't matter whether we'll be able to be friends forever, whether we'll be always able to share moments, thoughts and problems with as much comfort and ease; so long as we are together now. And that is what friendship is about na - it transcends all boundaries of age and time. It just avows the fact that whatever be the distances between us, whatever be our compulsions, our obligations, our helplessnesses, we'd be there for each other. Friendships give tremendous strength and I guess thats reason enough to give it one's all. What I've shared with my buddies is truly wonderful. I really don’t think I can define my relationship with my buddies or give it a name…its much beyond friendship… its this quiet confidence and trust that we share…this comfort zone that we have where we can actually discuss anything.. this small voice in our hearts which keeps reminding us that no matter where we go, who we are with, what we do… anytime and anyplace, we always have each other. These are guys who have helped me live my life, who have shown me how wonderful life can be and have strongly reinforced my faith in the goodness of friendship!!!

All I can say is: Somewhere Someone must be very happy with me to have given me such AWESOME friends!!!!!!!!!!!!! So here’s to all my friends… cheers… and here’s to my first ever blog… cheers again!!! :)