Ma

This is something I have wanted to do for a long time, but have not had the courage to do so until today. Because it takes courage to admit one's weaknesses and failings. Today… I have gathered up enough courage to tell you I'm sorry.

Sorry -for all the occasions I have been disrespectful to you or crossed the line. Some of it might have been in immaturity, some of it an indirect lashing out at my circumstances, or some of it just in the process of asserting myself while growing up. Whatever the reason, I owe you an apology for those innumerable times that you have endured it and forgiven me.I know that you and I have not always agreed on everything, and I'm aware of the distinct possibility that such situations are bound to arise in the future too. Whatever be the topic we disagree on, or however much I stick to my point (which I will, being the stubborn daughter you know so well), I want you to know that I respect you and love you. For you ma, are the sole reason I am the person I am today. If someone compliments me and says I am a nice person, that credit goes in no small measure to you.

There are so many things I have learnt from you. I have learnt that dignity and respect are some of the most important things in life. It is from you that I have learnt how important “swabhimaan” is. I have learnt that honesty is always valued, and that I owe it to myself, if not to others, to be truthful. You have always been a sort of super woman to me, handling both family and work with such finesse. If I turn out to be half the woman you are, that would be an achievement for me.

Today, I will say all the things I have probably never said, or atleast not said enough.

I am Sorry - for every time I have disappointed you, knowingly or unknowingly.

I thank You - for the unconditional love and support you have given me, even in those times when you did not understand my decisions.

I Love you - for making me the person I am, for teaching me that the truly important things in life are love, family and commitment to the things you do.

I would like to tell you all these things myself, in person, but perhaps I am not that brave yet. It is scary to feel deep emotions inside you and to express them. Maybe I will pretend it's not a big deal if you ever happen to read this blog and mention it to me. Because if I do acknowledge it, I am afraid I might cry. You see, I'm not always as brave as I pretend to be. I'm still just your little girl who wants you to be with her forever.

Love you always,Nee chitti talli

A Rainy Afternoon in Kolkata

There is something about the rain that casts a magical spell on me. I think there is something profoundly romantic about the grey overcast sky through which the sun is trying to break through, creating a strange kind of light that plays on the grass, the trees, everything around.....the showers that drench the leaves on the trees and magically turn everything a bright green....the sound of the wind through the trees, the rain splashing on the door, the cabin windows, the pitter patter on the roof.....the wet grass…the smell of the earth, fresh and clean.....it's nature's way of washing and making everything fresh and whole again.

It has rained intermittently almost the entire morning and I know for a fact it is going to make the evening rush hour traffic even worse. The rain always slows things up on the route towards our hostel. And people returning home from work might be cross and irritable, poked by umbrellas, sloshed in puddles, hungry and late. But I have the privilege of sitting in the office cabin this afternoon and not have to worry about getting home in the traffic or the rain and therefore can indulge myself a little to admire the rain for what it is doing to the greenery that stares at me through the window. The sky is still overcast, the shower has ceased for a bit, there are birds on the trees that are shaking the water out of their wings and trying to get dry and everything looks so green and beautiful.

Sarthak… that’s the third person working with us on the MIS project…he has been playing Rabindra sangeets and I find myself humming the tune of one. I have a whole lot of work to do, yet, there is something in the air that makes me want to sing or paint, walk on the wet grass, or simply sit near the window and take time to actually see how wonderful things are.

I miss the college campus…it’s a beauty when it rains…

Dawn...

There are days you wish never dawned... There are some days which you wish you shouldn’t have seen the light of the day, some days where you feel that you didn’t deserve the world and the world didn’t deserve you... And there are days that you wish never end... and then again there are those 'mixed' days - days which start just right and you think 'Great! Now, THIS is how the perfect day should be...' and then things start going a little hay-wire as the day wears on... little pressures here and a bunch of smiles there... some disappointments, some trials, some successes... a cancelled lecture, a witty remark, a confidante heart-to-heart talk, a sudden grin... the day vanishes into the dusky evening and the silent night creeps in...

A brand new day throws open a whole skylight of new dimensions and a whole new way of looking at the world… it gives you another chance of living each moment as if it were your last... of giving yourself a fighting chance to that elusive dream... that deepest, dearest wish in your heart... it's life's way of telling you to throw your inhibitions, your tribulations, your problems behind you and just... LIVE!!!!

I really feel that being able to brand a day as it comes and while it goes is a luxury affordable for a few elusive blessed ones. Cause the past few years of my life that have gone by, have left me simply wondering - How does a single day in a lifetime (supposed to last for an average of 22,630 days) really matter? I see days go by in a matter of minutes literally. There are just not enough moments to make me feel - lets call it a day. It keeps you running, but somehow always manages to run away from you. And during the pockets of breaks that it very reluctantly lends you, one simply keeps cribbing about how much of the time just flew by and you just could not live it to the fullest!But what I now realize is more important is that in these pockets of free times that come by, it is more important to prepare for the next leg of the race, rather than wondering what really happened all the while you were busy running....

Yeah, I guess there ARE some days you wish that just didn't dawn but then as Castaway says it all : There will be a daybreak after the darkest nights... It doesn't matter whether you are a LION or a GAZELLE...When the sun comes up, you better be READY!!!